So I was looking through some old folders earlier, and I found an ancient drawing at the bottom of a stack of papers from when I was in high school. It's basically the only sexy picture I still have from when I started drawing lewds when I was fifteen. I had to do some restoration work; the pen outline was partially buried by pencil smudges. It would have been colored grayscale with pencil marks, and not a clean digital color like this, but the lineart isn't any different:

This was a character I would draw constantly when I was in high school. I'd have a bunch of clean versions of her doodled in the margins of my notes, on the back of worksheets, or just in a notebook or folder somewhere. And I'd often have a lot of pictures hidden at home of her being saucy, sexy, or fucking a doppelganger with a different color scheme. Like a devil / angel kind of thing. She's always in grayscale, because I would "color" the picture in with pencil, getting a lot of different grays and blacks out of it. I could do color pictures without having to carry colored pencils everywhere. And just using pencil made it easier to look like I was busy in class; colored pencil or markers would have given that away. I still have a bunch of clean pictures of her, but this is really the only lewd one I still have.

Basically all of the other lewds from that time ended up being destroyed. That was very much intentional on my part. Couple of reasons for that. Lack of quality was a big one. This was a hobby I picked up in secret as a form of stress relief. I absolutely never intended anybody to see any of my pictures, so I didn't invest too much in the final product. I was there to draw, not to show off my drawings. More about the journey than the destination, etc. Like, I didn't bother drawing feet or fingers, so you'd get some Powerpuff Girl-looking arms and legs. Maybe sometimes you'd get thumbs, so the hands would look kind of like mittens, but not always.

That's mostly just why I didn't feel bad about shredding or burning all of my lewd art back then. Looking back, it's more of an excuse than an explanation. The bigger motivating factor was probably just that I was in high school, and teenagers are terrible people, and I predict my family probably would have ultimately made the problem worse. My interpretation pretty much went like this:

If somebody goes through my stuff and find a bunch of naked drawings in there, they'd think I'm pathetic at best, or gay at worst. I'd end up getting teased, or outright bullied over that. I saw that shit all the time in high school. I cannot stress this enough. Teenagers are terrible people. It's not their fault. Not entirely anyway. But whatever the reason for it, that doesn't change the rules of the game.

And, because I'd never seen anything futa-related outside of my secret notebook (and that was 80% of what was in that notebook, for the record), I was afraid that people would think I was broken somehow. I was genuinely terrified of being immortalized as basically "that kid with a futa fetish". The moment something like that happens to you, it utterly consumes every other part of you. At least as far as your peer group cares. I went to school with a guy who had a vore fetish, and I only know that because that's literally the only thing I knew about him from the fact that people mocked him for it relentlessly. If anybody found my secret notebook, it would have been a social death sentence. If they thought I was gay, that would have been better because at least then there would be other people getting bullied over that too. 

I spent almost a decade afterwards being fiercely protective of my secret hobby, even years after getting out of high school. It's been a tremendously long, slow, and arduous process to chip away at the social anxiety that's crippled me since at least, like, kindergarten. And now, having seen that there are people who genuinely like my artwork; that is some powerful shit. Even though I've moved on from the social battle royale of high school, I'm still going to act in defiance of the pressure that destroyed more than one entire notebook full of artwork. I've also drawn a remake of that old picture from scratch, with another nine years of experience to work with.

I don't know where this courage is coming from, and I don't care. Send me through high school a second time for all I care. I'm not going out of my way to hide this again. Futa is the best. Fucking fight me.